You know what’s really funny? People – nay, MARTYRS – who are all like, “Oh we cut the cord! We haven’t had cable for 3 YEARS.”
Oh, really? Gosh, life must be SO HARD. You mean you don’t watch any TV? News? Sporting events? Riveting brain poison aka reality TV?
“Oh, well, we have Netflix and Hulu. Oh and we mooch Amazon Prime from my parents. Oh and also last month we caved and got HBO Now, so.”
AKA, “No cable bill, but we’ve replaced the cost of that cable with 12 thousand streaming services and watch more TV than ever before NBD. But YEAH WE ARE PROUD CORD CUTTERS.”
I mean, serious eye rolling happening here.
Also hi, yes, absolutely I am one of these people. We do indeed have Netflix, Amazon Prime, and HBO Now [last year we traded Hulu for HBO mostly because Game of Thrones, duh], along with channels for streaming CBSNews, ESPN, PBS, and also an entire channel devoted to Rick Steves, everyone’s favorite travel guide. Plus Crackle, which everyone has and no one watches, obviously. Sorry, Crackle. You’re free, so no one likes you. [JK I actually don’t know anything about Crackle except that…no one watches it. So.]
I made this realization recently when discussing how Lorelei [from Gilmore Girls, please keep up] was playing with a TiVO in an episode. I recognized the TiVO sounds when she hit some buttons on the remote and was instantly thrown back to college and endless marathons of John and Kate Plus 8, 17 Kids and Counting (or was it 19 at that point? Does anyone even know/care?), and America’s Next Top Model The Best TV Show of The Early 2000s. And I was all like, gosh, those were the days when I watched so many shows. Cable. Psh.
And then I had to pump the breaks, because hellooo, hypocrisy, party of one.
Like has anyone ever pointed out the fact that if you’re paying for more than one streaming service, you’re probably paying almost the same as you were when you were a plebeian with a cable bill? Doh!
Here’s something people who are “cord cutters” never talk about. Remember the days of Law & Order marathons? You could turn on TNT literally ANY TIME of the week, day or night, and there was Detective Briscoe and Jack McCoy to keep you company while you live your life, basically. [Pour one out for Jerry Orbach, who delivered Lenny’s deadpan wit with such ease and skill.]
Now? I have to decide: a) which streaming channel, b) movie or tv show? c) what genre am I in the mood for? d) do I want to get sucked into a binge rn or should it be something chill? e) possibly most importantly, will my S.O. want to watch this + thus I need to wait to start watching? f) what if I pick something that’s supposed to be chill and turns out I’m OBSESSED WITH IT and there goes the next 72 hours as I greedily consume 7 seasons YES NETFLIX, YOU BETCH, I’M STILL WATCHING.
Ugh. I mean #amiright.
Y’all there is literally zero point to this diatribe except maybe, don’t be a hypocrite. Embrace your Netflix binging, and accept it for what it is: a different kind of cord.
Speaking of cords, if you’d like to be tied to future Get Serious columns and other extra [seriously] special stories, you can subscribe here and then giggle to yourself as you picture me doing a happy dance seeing someone other than my mom on the list. Smooches!
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