Yes it’s about boobs.
Growing up, I was the child that caused other parents to wonder things about my mother. Namely, does she feed that girl? Like, food?
I had all manner of “petite girl” nicknames: toothpick, skinny mini, and etc. uncreative phrases about girls who are very thin. I also ate my weight in Kraft mac&cheese daily, so I enjoyed other nicknames like “bottomless pit” from time to time.
Humans are weird, we’re all different, and we all have our challenges. Some people are really skinny effortlessly, and some people struggle with weight their whole lives. Just how it is.
So, I was skinny, and somewhat athletic (heavy on the somewhat, let’s not get carried away) (I was probably what is now referred to as an “active child” whereas before it was just known as “child”) and ohmigod so many parens, what was I even saying.
I WAS a SKINNY ASS KID.
And I had no boobs. My period started at some point, boobs did not grow. Friends “blossomed” (gross, that term) all around me, and I got left behind. I praised all manner of boob gods when Victoria’s Secret started getting creative with pushup bras for sizes / girls who, looking back, probably have no business wearing such a contraption. I mean what are we even pushing up really, you know?
Fast forward 2 decades. I just turned 30, like 4 seconds ago. I’ve been on and off birth control, and never been pregnant. Boobs stayed sorta the same size and I grew – ha! – to love them. In the way that any girl who doesn’t have particularly amazing boobs loves her boobs.
Wondering how many times I’ll have to write the word “boobs” before I start to feel weird.
Basically, I learned to be ok in my own skin, with the body I had, blah blah blah.
EXCEPT. Lately, like a year or so? They’re GROWING. And omg no you guys, I’m not pregnant so it’s not because of that. Like, I know it’s not, so stop thinking it or wondering if I’m wrong.
I’m guessing it’s an age thing? Hormones are weird, and I just learned that your hair changes 7 times in your life, so wondering if like that kind of thing applies to boobs too?
Let’s not get too excited though, because it’s not like I have amazing double Ds now. They’re just…average now, instead of “do I even need to wear a sports bra” size.
Somewhere along the way in my work-from-home journey, I’ve abandoned regular bras. It is a REALLY special occasion if I wear a normal, clasps-in-the-back bra with an underwire. And there are only 2 choices: nude, or black. Woo.
And this is because: sports bras and bralettes are my jam. They are SO much more comfortable, and in the summer it’s so much better for that unladylike sweat that we all get. And once I got ok with the size of my boobs, I started feeling like, who cares if I’m not pushing them up to my chin? They’re fine where they are.
And thusly, my collection of stretchy, latex boob wranglers has grown – beyond the 4-5 you need for regular workouts, but not quite to I Work Out Professionally And Always Post Pics of Myself in Sports Bras For All My Followers To See status.
And now we’ve come full circle because THIS is exactly what caused me to notice that my boobs were bigger: suddenly, a sports bra I’ve had for an embarrassingly long amount of time is like, TOO SMALL. I didn’t even know sports bras could BE too small, that’s how small I’m used to being. Bras not fitting in that direction was a concept like aliens to me: Do they exist? Will we ever find out?
So the big question about this boob situation is this: do I like it? And furthermore, do I care? Can I change it, if I don’t like it? Why would I NOT like it, after almost 3 full decades of zero boobage?! I could be The Girl With The Boobs! And pass the crown of The Girl Who’s Smaller Than Everyone Else to another, even tinier human!
And I’m wondering: is this ok? Do I feel ok having bigger boobs? Is it permanent? Does it mean I should maybe exercise more and lose some weight? Is it natural?
I’m picturing Man-Piece on the sidelines of this post all like EVERYTHING IS FINE HERE, DON’T CHANGE ANYTHING. But for me, it’s weird. The girl with small boobs is suddenly the girl with boobs the size of everyone else’s boobs. And I want to know: am I ok with it?
After all these years being comfortable with who and HOW I am, and after it took so damn long to get that way (thanks a bunch, high school, #amiright), it’s challenging to become used to the NEW way, or to discover / decide if the new way got that way on purpose or by accident, and further: if it needs to be changed, challenged, or fixed.
And like, damn it will be expensive to replace my rather yuge collection of sports bras.